Just Say "Nein"!

Voiceover: The year is 1985. Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger is writing a letter cautioning against the laicization, or defrocking, of the Reverend Stephan Kiesle, already convicted of child molestation by a California court. "Consider the good of the Universal Church," he writes. This letter will surface in 2010, fanning the flames of a growing scandal which threatens to reach Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, himself. This unpleasant situation could have been prevented if Cardinal Ratzinger had a Sassy Gay Friend.

[Theme music. The Sassy Gay Friend throws his stole over his shoulder and smirks at the camera.]

[SGF, dressed in a priest's robes, bursts into the Cardinal's chamber.]

SASSY GAY FRIEND: What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

JOSEPH ALOIS RATZINGER: I am contending mit the enemies of die Kirche.

SGF: Oh, good! That must mean you're going to defrock Kinky Kiesle. It's about time.

JAR: Nein! I am saving a priest from the persecution of the ungodly. The world always seeks to destroy die Kirche by slander.

SGF: Josie, he was convicted of child molestation four years ago! He's been getting into the pants of little kids since the 1970s! He's not being slandered, he's a total sleazebag! And let me give you a blast from the future: he'll be defrocked anyway, and he'll be tried for 13 counts of child molestation in 2002, but thanks to these delaying actions of yours most of them will be thrown out because of the statute of limitations!

JAR: This is the fault of the homosexuals. They've infiltrated die Kirche and are trying to ruin it from within.

SGF: Right, by molesting little girls as well as boys. To throw you off the scent, so to speak. But let me ask you something else, Josie. What do you think of this tasty little number? [SGF shows JAR this photo:]
JAR: What a nice-looking young man! Who is he?

SGF: He's Father Georg Ganswein, and he's going to be your "Private Secretary," nudge nudge wink wink, when you become Pope in twenty years. He's going to stir places in elderly Catholic women that they'd forgotten they had!

JAR: The Pope? I? What are you saying, you strange fellow?

SGF: Oh, never mind. Let's get outa here and go shopping, you stupid bitch. Prada awaits!

[SGF opens the door and JAS exits ahead of him. SGF turns to the camera.]

SGF: She's a stupid bitch.

Just Say "Nein"!

Voiceover: The year is 1985. Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger is writing a letter cautioning against the laicization, or defrocking, of the Reverend Stephan Kiesle, already convicted of child molestation by a California court. "Consider the good of the Universal Church," he writes. This letter will surface in 2010, fanning the flames of a growing scandal which threatens to reach Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, himself. This unpleasant situation could have been prevented if Cardinal Ratzinger had a Sassy Gay Friend.

[Theme music. The Sassy Gay Friend throws his stole over his shoulder and smirks at the camera.]

[SGF, dressed in a priest's robes, bursts into the Cardinal's chamber.]

SASSY GAY FRIEND: What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

JOSEPH ALOIS RATZINGER: I am contending mit the enemies of die Kirche.

SGF: Oh, good! That must mean you're going to defrock Kinky Kiesle. It's about time.

JAR: Nein! I am saving a priest from the persecution of the ungodly. The world always seeks to destroy die Kirche by slander.

SGF: Josie, he was convicted of child molestation four years ago! He's been getting into the pants of little kids since the 1970s! He's not being slandered, he's a total sleazebag! And let me give you a blast from the future: he'll be defrocked anyway, and he'll be tried for 13 counts of child molestation in 2002, but thanks to these delaying actions of yours most of them will be thrown out because of the statute of limitations!

JAR: This is the fault of the homosexuals. They've infiltrated die Kirche and are trying to ruin it from within.

SGF: Right, by molesting little girls as well as boys. To throw you off the scent, so to speak. But let me ask you something else, Josie. What do you think of this tasty little number? [SGF shows JAR this photo:]
JAR: What a nice-looking young man! Who is he?

SGF: He's Father Georg Ganswein, and he's going to be your "Private Secretary," nudge nudge wink wink, when you become Pope in twenty years. He's going to stir places in elderly Catholic women that they'd forgotten they had!

JAR: The Pope? I? What are you saying, you strange fellow?

SGF: Oh, never mind. Let's get outa here and go shopping, you stupid bitch. Prada awaits!

[SGF opens the door and JAS exits ahead of him. SGF turns to the camera.]

SGF: She's a stupid bitch.

You Make Me Feel Mighty Real

Notice: The following material contains language, ideas, and jokes that may be offensive to some readers. If you are easily offended, This Is So Gay recommends that you exercise your choice to not read.

NARRATOR: Jesus is carrying His cross along the road to Calvary, where He will suffer a prolonged and excruciating death. This fate could have been avoided if He had a Sassy Gay Friend.

[Theme music plays over Sassy Gay Friend throwing his scarf over his shoulder.]

[Sassy Gay Friend jumps out from behind a Roman soldier and confronts Jesus.]

SFG: What are You doing? What, what, what are You doing?

JESUS [I picture Jonah Hill in the role]: Judas betrayed Me, Peter denied Me, and Mary Magdalene eloped with the disciple I love!

SFG: I told You, even the Son of God can spread Himself too thin...

JESUS: My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?

SFG: So, You got dumped by Your boy toys. It happens! But what is this mortification of the flesh here? The crown of thorns, the stripes of the lash on Your back, this tacky cross! Don't be such a drama queen!

JESUS: The Son of God can be a drama queen if He feels like it.

SFG: I don't think so! The Son of God is a role model for millions of kids. Think of the endorsements You'll lose.

JESUS: I don't care! I want to die! Then they'll wish they hadn't treated Me like this! And I'll be laughing!

SFG: Oh, I'm so sure, like You're going to rise on the third day and watch them feel guilty. Now I want You to stop this nonsense, come down off Your cross, and show me the Jesus I know, Who told the scribes and the Pharisees where to get off. Enough of this whining -- I want to see the Judge of the quick and the dead, Who will separate the sheep from the goats!

JESUS: But what about My beloved disciple?

SFG: Honey, there are plenty of fish in the sea -- 153 to be exact. Look at that humpy number over there. Hand him the cross.

JESUS: Well ... I guess you're right. [He passes the cross to a guy with a linebacker's build, who's wearing a jersey that says CYRENE 00.]

SFG: C'mon, You stupid bitch, let's get out of here and I will make You a fisher of men.

JESUS: Does this loincloth make Me look fat?

SFG [smugly, to the camera]: She's a stupid bitch.

The first Sassy Gay Friend video was funny, the second one (about Juliet) still funny but a bit weaker, and the newest one (about Desdemona) didn't do much for me at all. I got this idea shortly before the third turned up on Youtube; one advantage of writing over video is that one can conjure up all sorts of effects (Jonah Hill as Jesus, the crowds along the road to Calvary) without actually having to stage them. I hope this offering fits the spirit of Good Friday.

You Make Me Feel Mighty Real

Notice: The following material contains language, ideas, and jokes that may be offensive to some readers. If you are easily offended, This Is So Gay recommends that you exercise your choice to not read.

NARRATOR: Jesus is carrying His cross along the road to Calvary, where He will suffer a prolonged and excruciating death. This fate could have been avoided if He had a Sassy Gay Friend.

[Theme music plays over Sassy Gay Friend throwing his scarf over his shoulder.]

[Sassy Gay Friend jumps out from behind a Roman soldier and confronts Jesus.]

SFG: What are You doing? What, what, what are You doing?

JESUS [I picture Jonah Hill in the role]: Judas betrayed Me, Peter denied Me, and Mary Magdalene eloped with the disciple I love!

SFG: I told You, even the Son of God can spread Himself too thin...

JESUS: My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?

SFG: So, You got dumped by Your boy toys. It happens! But what is this mortification of the flesh here? The crown of thorns, the stripes of the lash on Your back, this tacky cross! Don't be such a drama queen!

JESUS: The Son of God can be a drama queen if He feels like it.

SFG: I don't think so! The Son of God is a role model for millions of kids. Think of the endorsements You'll lose.

JESUS: I don't care! I want to die! Then they'll wish they hadn't treated Me like this! And I'll be laughing!

SFG: Oh, I'm so sure, like You're going to rise on the third day and watch them feel guilty. Now I want You to stop this nonsense, come down off Your cross, and show me the Jesus I know, Who told the scribes and the Pharisees where to get off. Enough of this whining -- I want to see the Judge of the quick and the dead, Who will separate the sheep from the goats!

JESUS: But what about My beloved disciple?

SFG: Honey, there are plenty of fish in the sea -- 153 to be exact. Look at that humpy number over there. Hand him the cross.

JESUS: Well ... I guess you're right. [He passes the cross to a guy with a linebacker's build, who's wearing a jersey that says CYRENE 00.]

SFG: C'mon, You stupid bitch, let's get out of here and I will make You a fisher of men.

JESUS: Does this loincloth make Me look fat?

SFG [smugly, to the camera]: She's a stupid bitch.

The first Sassy Gay Friend video was funny, the second one (about Juliet) still funny but a bit weaker, and the newest one (about Desdemona) didn't do much for me at all. I got this idea shortly before the third turned up on Youtube; one advantage of writing over video is that one can conjure up all sorts of effects (Jonah Hill as Jesus, the crowds along the road to Calvary) without actually having to stage them. I hope this offering fits the spirit of Good Friday.